The Child Inside (Re-written, is this one better?)

[Al Truest]

You ask is this one better. On first read I said no. It does not flow as easily as your first effort. However, it is much more revealing and personal. It invites a second look where it begins to become disconcerting. The verse length changes then become instrumental in creating drama in the presentation. I liked them both. Apparently, this version says more of what you wanted to say. My only other suggestion would be to center it like this :

The Child Inside

Oh I really,
I really don’t feel safe here.
I’m afraid of what I’ve kept alive.
Spite spikes the spark
Of a shattered
Surrender,

Here
Inside
The child hides.

She’s confused
She can call but I won’t come.
Though she fractures my cover of calm.
Doubting if I
Can ever hold the
Fiend back,

Here
Inside
The child hides

And she evokes pure emotion in inviting young eyes,
Yes she holds;
She pulls me back slowly.
She wears a white mask of strained censored silence
And enchants
The ethereal entrance,
Of a chaste, compelling calm core.

I feel that she
Has a lot of strength left in her.
But I can’t risk my life for the child.
My intrepid influence
Must be
Suffocated,

Here
Inside
The child hides

Darkened desire
For callous destruction,
Sheer free spirit of fire, it shines.
Shows the true feeling
Of the child
In my mind,

Here
Inside
The child hides

Light, pure bright light longs to draw her possessor back,
To who she once was, young, free, careless, no mortal fears
I never thought I would feel so caught up in this,

No, I don’t want it,
No, I don’t need it,
No, I don’t want it, again and again
But she pulls,
She pulls me in slowly
And I never,
I never meant to hurt her.

Someone help me,
Oh what have I done now?
I’m afraid of what I’ve locked inside.
In the small room
In the corner of my
Dark mind,

There
Trapped
The child dies.

This presentation, I think puncuates your words more effectively. I assume you wanted honest opinion. So here was mine, for what it's worth.

I'm glad to see this board being utilized. Thanks for your contributions.

[Cathy forgot to login]

I had it like this for a while too, with a few of the verses re-ordered

The Child Inside

Oh I really,
I really don’t feel safe here.
I’m afraid of what I’ve kept alive.
Spite spikes the spark
Of a shattered
Surrender,

Here
Inside
The child hides.

She’s confused
She can call but I won’t come.
Though she fractures my cover of calm.
Doubting if I
Can ever hold the
Fiend back,

Here
Inside
The child hides

I feel that she
Has a lot of strength left in her.
But I can’t risk my life for the child.
My intrepid influence
Must be
Suffocated,

Here
Inside
The child hides

Darkened desire
For callous destruction,
Sheer free spirit of fire, it shines.
Shows the true feeling
Of the child
In my mind,

Here
Inside
The child hides

And she evokes pure emotion in inviting young eyes,
Yes she holds;
She pulls me back slowly.
She wears a white mask of a strained censored silence
And enchants
The ethereal entrance,
Of a chaste, compelling calm core.

Light, pure bright light longs to draw her possessor back,
To who she once was, young, free, careless, no mortal fears
I never thought I would feel so caught up in this,

No, I don’t want it,
No, I don’t need it,
No, I don’t want it, again and again
But she pulls,
She pulls me in slowly
And I never,
I never meant to hurt her.

Someone help me,
Oh what have I done now?
I’m afraid of what I’ve locked inside.
In the small room
In the corner of my
Dark mind,

There
Trapped
The child dies.

[Al Truest]

What motivated you to change it?

[Al Truest]

Cathy said:

The first one didn't say it quite how I wanted it to, I was just experimenting really

I tend to experiment out loud here quite often. I may never get a response, but it is still gratifying to put it out there. I know people read from here. My world is enhanced and expanded by my efforts to stretch and understand.